Page Two of the One Liner Joke Archive!

• My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her
  ...or something like that.
• Keep honking while I reload.
• If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
• Bad Cop! No Donut!
• Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
• It's lonely at the top, but you eat better
• I love cats ... they taste just like chicken.
• I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
• Sorry, I don't date outside my species
• Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
• Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
• As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
• Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.
• Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
• Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.
• I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ...
• Tow-ers will be violated.
• Montana - At least our cows are sane!
• The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
• I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
• Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
• It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
• When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• Wink, I'll do the rest!
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• When there's a will, I want to be in it!
• Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
• If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
• Diarrhea is inherited. It runs in your jeans!
• Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
• My karma ran over my dogma.
• Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!
• Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
• Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
• Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
• We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
• Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
• He who laughs last thinks slowest.
• Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
• Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
• Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
• Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
• Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
• Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. i souport publik edekasion.
• We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
• Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
• There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
• Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
• Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
• Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
• 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
• I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
• I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die
• If you smoke after sex, you're doing it too fast.
• Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
• There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
• I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
• Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
• BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
• So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
• I need someone really bad... are you really bad?
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
• Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
• To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
• I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
• The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
• My kid had sex with your honor student.
• Don't hit me. My lawyer's in jail.
• If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
• Help wanted: Telepathy ... you know where to apply.
• Hang up and drive.
• Lord save me from your followers.
• Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
• Born again pagan.
• God must love stupid people, he made so many.
• I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
• Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
• Wink, I'll do the rest!
• I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
• Ax me about Ebonics
• Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
• Boldly going nowhere
• CATS: The other white meat
• CAUTION - Driver legally blonde!
• Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals.
• Don't be sexist - broads hate that
• Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
• Heart Attacks...God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
• He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged
• Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
• How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost.
• I am Homer of Borg. Prepare to be assimi... Oooh! Donuts!
• If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
• If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now
• I'm an imbecile and I vote
• WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
• What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull
• CAUTION: I drive just like you!
• If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
• Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings."
• Practice Safe Sex. Go Screw Yourself.
• It's Been Lovely, But I Have To Scream Now.
• "Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point."
• Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That.
• Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!
• Constipated people don't give a crap.
• If you drink, don't park--accidents cause people.
• Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
• My kid got your honor roll student pregnant.
• To all you virgins: Thanks for nothing.
• If at first you don't succeed...blame someone else and seek counseling.
• If you can read this, I've lost my trailer.
• You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
• I Have The Body Of A God......Buddha.
• This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me.
• So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.
• Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
• If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
• The Face Is Familiar, But I Can't Quite Remember My Name.
• I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
• If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...
• Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
• Necrophillia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
• Boldly going nowhere
• Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
• Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them
• WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
• 5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
• Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.